Family goals are short-term, up to a year. Common interests and family affairs. The role of the family in the life of a child and society. And what happens if a common goal is set?

Ekaterina Inozemtseva and Dmitry Yurchenko - partners in life, in sports and business - met at the SKOLKOVO business school.

Their joint family account has many successfully realized achievements: an IRONMAN medal, the publication of a book about the Life Button company, paired acrobatic dance and a technique for setting healthy goals. Ekaterina and Dmitry formalized their approach to running a joint business, sports and family in the “Rules for Happy and Effective Families,” which they apply in their own lives and which they willingly share with others through the BeFit project, a community for achieving healthy goals.

Not all effective families are happy, and not all happy ones are effective - that's a fact. To be a happy and effective family means to feel the synergy between your own development and the development of your partner, to set and achieve common goals, while feeling pleasure from the process and receiving satisfaction from the result. It is important that the dreams and plans of both partners are agreed upon and discussed with each other. Then they will become real achievements. And a partner can not only support you, but also act as an effective tool for achieving your goal.

A simple and convenient tool, derived from the personal experience of our systemic family planning, will help transform living together into mutual, high-quality and interesting growth.

Dreaming is useful. Dream effectively.

Step 1: Define your family's Big Dream for 20-25 years

In our family we started with the definition BigDream (Big Dream): our joint vision with my husband of the purpose and mission of the family. Our Big Dream is expressed in a specific, measurable and practical result, and we ourselves have set a deadline of 20 years for its implementation. This is a big long-term goal, and it determines all our actions and resources to achieve it in the coming years. Our Big Dream, like the Family Mission, is written down in words and painted in a picture that hangs on the wall, and every day reminds us of what is the meaning of the development of our family and Dima and me - as individuals who agreed to be part of it.

It is important to separate the personal from the family, because in a family, as in business, it is important to “agree on the shore”: if you go through life together, then the mission of the family, like a corporation, must be equally understood and shared by all its members.

For example, if such a dream is to build a family nest, then you simply need to come to a consensus on such basic concepts as the scale of construction and its location. Is it a shack on the edge of the ocean or a wooden frame in your native village? Do you two live in it, and do your children and grandchildren come to visit you, or do you all live together, like one big Italian family? In itself, speaking your dream out loud brings both of you much closer to its realization, because you realize the full scale of the task, and in conversations you will better recognize each other’s true desires and needs.

Don’t expect that your Big Dream will suddenly be born over dinner and immediately take shape into a finished picture. It took Dima and I more than six months to conceive, and the discussion and giving it specific features during the annual session took more than two days. This process is not completed to this day: The dream is complemented by new details, and this motivates us to set intermediate goals and achieve them through joint efforts, which in itself is a powerful unifying element of our family.

A dream is a goal with a plan.

Step 2: Cascade your Big Dream into milestone goals for the next 20 years, then set specific goals for the next year.

Once the Big Dream is defined, you will need to do the extra work of breaking it down into specific tasks to implement. Do you want to create family nest? First, you need to take care of building a house, and for this you need to accumulate certain financial resources, and temporary ones too. From here, a medium-term goal will emerge related to finances and freeing up time in X years. Another intermediate goal is to analyze the most convenient location, infrastructure, risk assessment, etc.

A separate goal may be to study the history of the family name, clan, collect the necessary genealogical information, and possibly unite the entire family scattered in the nooks and crannies of the homeland. You need to understand that some intermediate goals themselves are quite ambitious, and their implementation will also take some time. This is where the annual session will come to the rescue, which serves as a kind of synchronization of watches for spouses: what priorities in life become relevant for this year, how and what brings you both closer to the Big Dream, what to focus on and what to put aside.

Annual session - this is the place and time to think, dream, discuss and analyze together what happened over the year, to better know the thoughts and feelings of another. Often, without noticing it, we greatly limit our lives, remembering only work goals - the first thing that comes to mind - or typical household duties, for example, “regularly taking the child to school”, “congratulating my husband on his birthday.”. Routine tasks themselves cannot be goals, because they do not have a specific measurable result and do not develop us qualitatively. As you begin to plan your year, remember the wonderful saying: “We can’t do anything about the length of our lives, but we can significantly influence its breadth and depth.” Make your life broad and deep, think about what other facets there are in it besides home and work: personal interests, books, friends, hobbies, travel, study and your real dreams!

Usually we easily think about health, relationships with loved ones, friends, and secondarily about hobbies and travel. What about personal and spiritual growth, development within family relations, family traditions? We have determined for ourselves map of life's facets, in the center of which is the Big Dream, and around it is a concentration of petals that show the versatility of life. There are five petals in our map: healthy image life, personal relationships, environment, activities, quality of life. You can use this map as a template to form your personal map; perhaps you will add your own petals or eliminate those that are irrelevant to you. In total, you and your spouse will get two cards: yours and his. At the same time, the Big Dream will be united, shared and equally understood by both, and annual goals will overlap by 50-80%.

Once the petals, or facets of life, are identified, planning for the year becomes much more effective. It is important to fill every petal without exception - then life will truly be multifaceted, and you will see how its individual facets can add value and additional efficiency to realize the Big Dream.

In the “personal” petal, you can set your own development goals, however, they must be somehow coordinated and tied to the Big Dream, and accordingly, discussed with your spouse. This is the key to co-directed efforts, which means there is a higher probability of achieving the goal. It should not happen that this year one of you planned to have a child, because your common Dream is to create a big home theater after 20 years, and the child is one of the elements of her fulfillment, and the second spouse does not even know about it.

Inconsistency of goals leads to their non-fulfillment and internal disappointment, not to mention misunderstandings and even conflicts in the family, so they must be spoken out: personal, financial, and activity-related. And vice versa: if the efforts of all members of the “family” corporation are equally directed towards a common annual goal, for both spouses in their petals of the year these goals are synchronized and create an added effect due to mutual synergy.

So, for example, “improving your English” may remain your personal goal, to which your spouse will have nothing to do. However, if you both need English because you have decided to build a family home abroad, then it is obvious that it is more effective to plan courses together and attend them together too. This way you will “pull” each other up, further motivate, spend more time with each other due to joint activities and preparation, and perhaps also receive a discount on tuition fees.

And in order for your annual goals to be successfully achieved, and at the next annual session dedicated to analyzing the results of the previous year, you happily share your achievements with each other, you need to cascade the annual goal into quarterly, monthly and then weekly plans. So you can in a good way monitor each other and discuss steps towards the Big Dream.

The key to stable family health is regular prevention.

Step 3: Cascade annual goals into quarterly ones and move on to quarterly, weekly and daily planning.

For example, the annual goal “to improve the English language to the intermediate level” will be cascaded into quarters: first, choosing and enrolling in training courses, in the second quarter - achieving an intermediate result through regular classes, in the third - achieving the desired level and a specific result: passing the exam.

In our family we arrange for each other four quarterly sessions per year. They usually last about 2-3 hours, we always spend them outside the house in a pleasant and cozy place, concentrating on each other. First, each of us presents our achievements and non-achievement over the past three months: we recall our plans and announce the results for each. For example, “sign up for courses in English“It’s easy to measure: there is a record with an advance payment made - there is no record. But what to do if the annual goal in the “health” petal is to do the splits, how to measure the quarterly result?

Here you yourself set the bar, and let your spouse evaluate the realism and honesty of the proposed measurement system. Maybe you will start measuring the distance with a centimeter to the floor, or maybe by regularity of training (that is, no skipping). This year Dima set just such a goal for himself, and for him I acted as a motivator and family controller for achieving it - on the one hand, as well as a useful tool - on the other: I monitored the training schedule, helped him stretch during morning exercises, and reminded him about massage. Accordingly, efforts to achieve the husband’s personal goal become common, and the likelihood of success increases due to mutual assistance and support.

We tried a variety of options for classifying goals, and in the end we came to the conclusion that they should be immediately divided into qualitative (difficult to measure, but assessed by emotional or subjective criteria) and quantitative (which can be easily measured in pieces, hours, money, etc. ). In order for the quarterly session to be effective, each partner needs to prepare for it in advance and come with “completed homework” - the listed points of the quarterly goals and a description of the achieved result, so as not to waste time on reminiscing directly during the session. And already at the session itself, evaluate these results, discuss what did not work out and why, give each other feedback and an alternative point of view, analyze actions together, draw conclusions for the future, perhaps adjust your goals in the next quarter.

Dima and I each time give each other grades on a ten-point scale for each point of the quarterly goals, and then compare the grades. Usually my assessments of myself are slightly lower than Dimina’s. Observe your assessments over time - this is also a reason to think: which of you is more strict in assessing yourself and others, who is more motivated, who will need additional motivation and support from a partner... The most important thing is to discuss quarterly results and tie achievements to big annual goals . And if you spent the entire quarter sharing current affairs with each other and following the planning meeting schedule, no surprises should arise at the quarterly session. This is the stage of intermediate reconciliation of the year and additional motivation for each other.

The path to happiness is happiness itself.

Step 4: Every day, gradually move towards your Big Dream with the help of daily planning meetings.

Once a week we hold a weekly planning meeting: at home on Sunday evenings we spend an hour planning the next week, and first we tell each other about the results of the past week. We also prepare for this meeting by summing up all the small and big victories for the week, and also listing the difficulties and discussing them with each other, listening to our partner’s advice. On it we list all the seemingly small tasks: calling your mom, wishing a friend a happy birthday, getting your car repaired. But don’t forget about the key priorities for the year and remind us about the quarterly plans.

It would seem: why once again list what is already known to each of the partners? Try to do this yourself at least once, and you will see how little we know both ourselves and our spouse, how many amazing things are revealed in each other if we simply start communicating more and sharing, albeit small, discoveries every day. A lot of them accumulate in a week!

And if you make it a practice to summarize each week with one short but succinct sentence-impression of the week and share it with each other, you can learn a lot about your loved one and look at the world through his eyes. Sometimes Dima and I’s most vivid impressions relate to work, and then it can sound like this: “I successfully defended the project at the board of directors, felt a surge of pride in the work done, which I spent two months on,” and sometimes very internal family discoveries, for example: “ We discovered that nice restaurant around the corner where we spent our quarterly session,” if this served as a bright emotional charge for the whole week. Thus, these records and weekly recording of the main life events will help you later, within the framework of the annual session, create your personal hit parade of the year: Person of the Year, Event of the Year, Insight of the Year, Meeting of the Year, etc.

Every day we spend morning planning meetings, to check the hands of the family clock, plan the day, or adjust it with the spouse’s schedule. It may seem that the family does not need such micromanagement when big plans and long-term goals are already clear. However, the devil, as we know, is in the details: it is the daily planning meetings that really discipline us. It’s like realizing the importance of morning exercises: everyone wants to have excellent health at 70 years old, but the road to it lies through regular strengthening of the spirit and muscles.

It is convenient to conduct planning meetings in the “stand-up meeting” format, beloved by Americans, but nothing prevents you from opening your diaries and checking your plans for the day during breakfast. The main thing is to devote 10-15 minutes of time to this, so that nothing distracts or disturbs you at this moment. If it’s more convenient for you to do this in the evening, move the planning meeting to the evening, just so that it takes place so that you can “sleep” with the upcoming tasks at night.

In one of the points of our petal on family development, this is indicated: no more than 10% of missed daily planning meetings. In this way, we act as “controllers” for each other and, more importantly, useful tools: sometimes during planning it “unexpectedly” turns out that we will be in the same area and my husband will be able to meet me in the evening in the city, or that we both have planned the same thing and the same thing about the housework. This greatly reduces wasted time! And for our couple, such situations arose and continued until we tracked down their root cause: insufficient communication in the “family” team. Partly because of this, we began to systematically plan and relate our personal schedules to overall family goals.

And in conclusion, a convenient step-by-step plan for happy and effective family planning for the whole year:

1. Discuss with your spouse and draw your Big Dream in the future 20-25 years: describe it in words and draw a picture or make a collage so that it pleases the eye and warms the soul.
2. Identify its components and discuss your overall vision for achieving and developing them: “add” all its components to the Big Dream so that it becomes not a cloud, but a set of raindrops.
3. Determine specific steps to realize all parts of the Dream using the countdown method: what needs to be achieved in 19 years, 15, 10, 5 years, 3 years...1 year?
4. After that, move on to annual planning through the lens of your Big Dream. To do this, first discuss with your spouse and highlight all the “petals” of life. Set goals for each petal in accordance with the priorities of the year yourself, and then show each other your cards and discuss them, adjusting them if necessary in relation to the Big Dream.
5. Divide your annual goals into quarterly goals. Set interim goals for each quarter. Be sure to meet at the end of each quarter in a special session for 2-3 hours) and discuss the results and motivate each other.
6. Follow the regime of daily planning meetings (10-15 minutes every day) and weekly summaries of the week (1 hour once a week). The key to your family health is regular practice.

And further. If your Big Dream is so big that you can involve all members of the “family” corporation in it, and both you and your spouse want this, involve all participants in your common “corporation” in the goal-setting process, and then the Dream already becomes a shared Dream of the clan: the family of parents, brothers and sisters, your children, and maybe even grandchildren. Through your common dream and mission of the family, you can give them new meanings and goals in life. Remember: the more people who consider your dream to be theirs, the higher the likelihood of success in achieving it.

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Love and more

In the East they believe that without love a woman will be unsatisfied, no matter how successful she is in other areas of life. This is also confirmed by European sociological research, according to which most women consider the most important thing in life (not necessarily legally formalized) where they could receive protection and care.

« a special spiritual mission is to create a favorable atmosphere in the house that would protect against everything bad and help develop the positive character traits of all family members.

But the majority of contemporaries do not receive the necessary “home” education, says Dr. Alexey Meredov, an expert in Vedic philosophy. “Their experience is often worse than none at all.” Therefore, let’s get acquainted with the ancient scriptures, the Vedas, which know the secret of success in family life.”

Husband is the owner, wife is the manager

Something like this can be “translated” into modern language ancient Vedic laws of building relationships in the family.

Family life is primarily about cooperation. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is choose a suitable life partner who would be willing to cooperate. At the same time, it doesn’t matter at all how handsome, rich and romantic he is. If he doesn't match your mindset for a certain relationship, he's probably not your soul mate.

Example: lovers get married, while he believes that “she owes me,” she believes that “he owes me.” There is no cooperation, everyone is unhappy, six months later there is a divorce. And all because boys and girls do not know the “rules of the game”: marriage was based only on sympathy, and not on a deep understanding of the purpose of life together.

Success in family life depends 100 percent on the woman! Moreover, this state of affairs corresponds to both the interests of the family and the interests of the woman. Think about it: if she takes complete and thoughtful leadership of the relationship, no one (including her husband) can stop her!

Therefore, every woman just needs to become a real professional in this “native” sphere for herself - the sphere of relationships. In fact, this is the most important work that needs to be done first. If you don't do this, no one will do it for you!

The purpose of the family is unity

« have trust and respect for your husband. He should have a goal in life that you won’t be ashamed to support.”, say the Vedic sages.

If the man’s goal is only to enjoy his wife, and the wife’s goal is to enjoy her husband, nothing will work out for them. It is impossible to satisfy each other all the time! Our feelings tend to become satiated, and if the goal is only pleasure, discontent appears in the family and in the end the spouses disperse. Without a goal family life turns into a departing train.

What is the right purpose of family relationships? Ancient scriptures say that spouses must strive for unity at all levels of existence: material, subtle-material and spiritual. When all levels are balanced, the spouses turn into a kind of integrity. But if progress is made only in material matters, and spiritual development is missed, then the end is inevitable - complete disappointment: in your husband, in yourself, in life.

But when , they experience amazing sensations: a sense of security, satisfaction, stability, self-confidence and ever-increasing love not only for their half, but also for other people. They feel full of life and success - and this is passed on to others.

Submission is not humiliation!

The spirit of competition, the desire for success and dominance in society and family are the hallmarks of male psychology. The male “I” wants to be the “boss” - it demands self-respect and approval! If he is gently pampered, everyone benefits. And a woman in a subordinate, but not inferior position, accepts this natural order of things - and gently yields, thus awakening all the positive reactions of her husband.

But our contemporaries are accustomed to strive for masculine goals and achievements, competing with the stronger sex at work and at home. Under no circumstances should you do this! The male ego, when faced with opposition, becomes like an “elephant in the garden” and destroys everything in its path! And then everything is lost. You are likely to be met with anger, stubbornness, irritability, the cold shoulder, misunderstanding, and even insults.

many different “secrets”: With the help of subtle changes in clothing, tone of voice, home interior and a special combination of tastes in food, they easily controlled their husbands and achieved everything they wanted, while remaining affectionate and helpful. But this is “aerobatics”, perhaps unattainable for contemporaries.